20 Years
by DoubleMMia
Summary: Over 20 years of searching for you and now you say I'm just not real? Isabela/F!Hawke, containing character death.


**20 Years  
**_20 years of looking for you and now I'm not real? Hawke/Isabela_

* * *

**"H**ow terribly ironic that after 20 years of searching for you," Hawke murmured softly, moving to settle onto her knees so that the older woman below her could hear her better from her new stance, "that after 20 years of wondering where you were hiding, that I find _you on your back?"_

Isabela let out a laugh that made her chest wrack and her eyesight to blur, hand reaching upwards to grasp at the delicate fingers of the mage whom had once upon a time been the bane of Isabela's existence and was now the only reason to continue breathing.

Hawke brought the wrinkled hand to her lips and kissed it with a tenderness that had only owned a shard of her 20 years ago, a tenderness that had no reason to belong there now considering the harsh years of wandering - yet here she was with nothing but tenderness in her eyes as she looked down at the pirate in front of her.

"You look lovely, even with the wrinkles, _especially_ with the wrinkles," Hawke commented with her own chuckle, curling her arms up and around Isabela's body and lifting the older woman up so that she hung limply in her arms, almost as if the pirate no longer had any strength inside her to keep going - and the scary thing was, in Hawke's opinion, was maybe that was closer to the truth than both of them would have liked, "though to be honest with you, I sort of expected you to stay forever young..."

"And I expected you to remain as sour-faced as you was 20 years ago!" Isabela breathed out with a high-sounding rasp accompanying her usual huskiness as yet another coughing fit made her tremble in the mage's arms.

Hawke didn't answer to that immediately and instead settled on tucking Isabela into her bed of red satin with the blue silk embroidery around the edges, peeling back the covers to allow herself room as she pulled the other woman between her legs to allow the greying head of her former love to fall onto her chest and stay there.

The younger woman lifted a hand to run her hand through the greying locks, pressing light kisses to each lock of hair and moving her kisses down lower until her lips brushed the skin of Isabela's forehead; the touch that she had lost for 20 years returning to Hawke's system in a matter of moments, so quick that it made her shudder in a desire she suppressed as quickly as it had come.

"Not everyone can be sour for all their life," Hawke finally answered after a moment of silence, nuzzling at the pirate's neck to press a kiss into the hollow of the other woman's collar - another display of affection that would have made the Isabela of 20 years ago scowl and comment on how Hawke must want something to be this loving with her.

And the best part? Hawke had never wanted anything from her, well, apart from Isabela herself - so perhaps she had wanted everything, perhaps Isabela had been right to run away.

The pirate moved in the mage's arms, restless and frustrated. "Not everyone can be forever young either Birdy."

Hawke sighed and finally her 20 year old frown finally appeared on her face, the very sight of it causing Isabela to laugh almost wildly as she clutched onto the mage's face with a delight that would have once made Hawke's soul stir in unease, now in anxiety.

"That wasn't very fair of you," the mage commented sourly, moving her face away from the other woman's tight grip on her jaw so that she could glower more forcefully at the pirate, "it's not my fault now is it?"

What surprised Hawke the most was that her words immediately caused Isabela to tense and to curl up into a ball in her arms, the action so unlike the Isabela she had known before that it took Hawke a moment to realize that yes, this was Isabela of Rivain, and yes, she was sobbing into her chest.

"Oh, stop crying will you?" Hawke muttered with a little helpless smile on her face the moment the pirate captain looked up, patting Isabela's head as gently as she could to try and calm her down, "it was hardly your fault now was it?"

"Just go the flaming hell away Birdy!" was Isabela's response, pushing away from Hawke's cold body to bury her head in her satin sheets and for her hands to curl angrily up into her grey tresses so she could tug at them in frustration

Hawke watched her with a soft look in her eyes, reaching over to hesitantly pat at the Rivaini's arm before she retracted it to rest on her lap.

"Would you like to go back?"

Isabela's head peeked up from where it had previously been buried, eyes narrowed suspiciously at the mage beside her.

"Go back where?"

"To the start," Hawke replied back with a small, sad smile that made Isabela's wrinkled face crease in pain at the sight of it.

That made the pirate shake her head and to laugh helplessly into her clenched hand, the only thing that stopped her from sobbing once more.

"No we can't go back, now piss off and leave me be for once!"

Hawke shook her head with a roll of her eyes, looking so young and new like the last time Isabela had seen her that it made her reach out and clutch at the mage's hand with a desperation that she knew was so pathetic that her crew would probably throw her overboard at the sight of her now.

"It startles me at how rude you still can be considering it's been 20 years since we last saw one another," Hawke started but this was enough for Isabela, enough was enough and she was sick of hearing this each time she tried to go to sleep, "honestly it's almost as if..."

"Hawke you're dead! By the flaming void Hawke, you're not here any more!" Isabela yelled with her eyes narrowed and the free hand that had not been clasping the mage's hand moving upwards to connect with Hawke's cheek; a slapping sound to accompany the darkness that Isabela felt all around her. "So go away and leave me, the old crone who never looked for you, alone! To die! Is that what you want? Why you're here? Haunting me until my dying breath? Is that why BIRDY?!"

Hawke could only glance down at her, the same innocent expression on her face that Isabela had only seen when the mage had been asleep, and now, for the very first time after her death, she could see it again as Hawke's brain tried to progress what she had just said.

"But that's impossible, it's been 20 years since I last saw you..." Hawke whispered, stroking at her slapped cheek with a look of awe as her expression that made Isabela's croaky voice gasp out a pained cry, "it's been 20 years, you've aged! I'm alive, I must be, don't lie to me pirate, you're always doing this just to mess around..."

Isabela shook her head, cradling it in her hands for half a moment before she allowed her old bones to collapse against Hawke's chest again with her mouth latched onto the patch of cold skin that was the mage's shoulder.

"I'm sorry sweetness," she murmured due to the fact that was only thing she could say now wasn't it? Sorry for not being there, sorry for not coming back, sorry for not being strong enough to attend your burning after Meredith put a sword right through your middle.

Sorry.

"Why didn't you come back?" Hawke finally had the courage to ask, her words tinged with a sadness that caused Isabela to clench at the other woman with a desperation that was borderline painful, "did I do something wrong? Is that why you won't come back? To the start I mean."

"It wasn't you, it was me," Isabela told her with a sad little laugh at the excuse, laughter because it was a horrible excuse and laughter because it was the only excuse she had, "and I can't go back to the start, you know that, you're not real Hawke."

"Why?"

"Why what Birdy?"

Hawke glanced down sadly at her, her eyes a wave of sea and storm that caused Isabela's heart to clench in discomfort.

"Why aren't I real?"

Isabela allowed her own smile to creep upon her face, reaching up gently to allow a withered finger to cross Hawke's lips.

"Because you aren't."

Hawke's expression grew dark, "but I want to be real."

The pirate croaked out a laugh. "Well you can't be, so let me go to sleep alright?"

Hawke looked like she was finally going to give in then, however at the last second she brushed a hair out of Isabela's eyes and said: "Did you love me?"

And there was always going to be one answer for that.

"When you weren't being a complete twit, yes."

And perhaps that was good enough, for Hawke soon left Isabela then, alone, in her bed with only 20 years of guilt separating them.


End file.
